Cruise Ship Anecdotes…… to make you smile

* In the ship’s gym, after a particularly stormy night at sea, a still-queasy passenger confesses to the fitness director, “I’d do the treadmill, but I’ve got `mal de mer’ and it could get messy.”

* The very same fitness director greets me for her excellent Morning Stretch class with this challenge, “We want the body to move and the mind to soar.” (I’m wondering if she’ll settle for one out of two.)

* At the swank Bvlgari Boutique onboard, a charming salesperson shows me a truly dazzling set consisting of a diamond necklace, bracelet, and earrings–all mine for a scant $160,000. Then she explains that my duty-free purchase will result in savings of $32,000, “And that will pay for your cruise.” (I was counting on returning “empties” to the supermarket.)

* Kirstie, the ship’s charming international hostess, is offering a class in needlepoint and, we are reminded by the ship’s newsletter, that “Kirstie is a stitch.” (Who said vaudeville was dead?)

* At a special, enthusiastically attended Le Cordon Bleu Workshop on our theme cruise, a shipmate volunteers to help the chef flip the crepes with this caveat, “I’ll help you, provided I don’t have to clean the floor.”

* At another Le Cordon Bleu demonstration, I feel gastronomically challenged when a fellow passenger turns to me and says, “I always use a `mandolin’ to shred my vegetables.” (Does that make them taste as sweet as it sounds?)

* As the magician saws his lovely assistant in half, I overhear a cruisemate whisper, “I know how it’s done–it’s a trick!”

* The ship’s daily newsletter  provides a helpful medical reminder–and an ominous typo: “The flu vaccine is available at a cost of $60. This vaccination is recommended by CDC, Center for Decease Control.” (Wow, that virus is scarier than I surmised.)

* A cruisemate, arranging her busy schedule, asks the fitness director, “If I go to your Abdominals Class, will I still be able to play bridge?” (I guess that really depends on which body part you wish to exercise.)

* At the daily Trivia Quiz, where team competition is fierce, we are asked such questions as “How many cards are in a Tarot deck?” and “How many knights sat at King Arthur’s Round Table?” (And no one ever asks, “Is that your final answer?”)

* It is raining for our  arrival in Honolulu, but Ray Solaire, our ever cheerful, optimistic cruise director, is undaunted as he announces over the ship’s P.A. system: “Good morning; well it’s a glorious day somewhere … but not here.”

* As we sail into Kahului, our port on the island of Maui, my next-door neighbor is overheard asking his wife, “I wonder if there are any whales here, yet?” She replies, “Well I just spotted two leaving their cabin.”

* On our shuttle bus from Kahului to Lahaina, a bemused sightseer gapes at the foliage and asks the driver, “Where are all the chocolate macadamia nut trees?”

* During this same trip, as we skirt the ocean on our left and dense foliage on our right, the guide spots whales and yells, “Thar she blows!” A passenger asks, “On which side?”

* On a day in port, a stylish matron asks me if the local tap water seems salty. Without waiting for my response, she then adds, “The next thing you know there’ll be fish.”

* At the Royal Kona Museum, a sign attributes a quote to Mark Twain: “I think Kona coffee has a richer flavor than any other.” A cruisemate quips, “When did Mark Twain start doing commercials?”

* There is an actual class taught on our voyage whose focus is “How to improve your memory.” But I could never remember where it was being offered.

* At the final Le Cordon Bleu cooking demonstration on our cruise, the chef inquires of “students” present, “Why do I use garlic?” Someone shouts, “To keep the vampires away!?

* Someone onboard claims to have visited a museum on Christmas Island reporting, “The oldest relics inside were me and my wife.”

* In Moorea, our tour guide advises that “opunohu” means “stomach of the stone fish bay.” (Talk about an incentive to push on.)